If This, Then That

Cause and effect.

We see it everywhere.  The season changes, and so the leaves fall off the trees.  A drop of water hits a calm lake, and ripples follow.  I cheer for the Detroit Lions, and so I’m consistently disappointed.  (Or maybe this is their year?!)

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Too many times this is how we view the struggles and trials that come into our lives.  We subconsciously tie good things that happen to the good things we’ve done.  We think, “If I do enough good stuff, then good will come back to me.”

We think the opposite is true as well.  If someone does enough bad stuff, then bad stuff should come their way.  I’ve heard it said this way, “What goes around, comes around.”  And while this saying has some merit, it’s often applied too generally.

I’ve shared my cancer story on this blog, and I’ve had my eBook out for a couple of months now.  And one of the major things I’ve learned relates to this very topic of “If this, then that.”

I don’t believe that I was diagnosed with cancer because I did, or said, something that God didn’t like.  I’ve done, and said, MANY things that were outside of God’s will for me.  God is not an angry ‘being’ up in Heaven waiting to play the cause and effect game.  Cancer wasn’t a result of bad behavior (or lack of good behavior).

I believe the same thing about whatever storm you’re facing. The storm didn’t come as a result of anything you did or said.

There is one caveat.

There are times that we do stupid things and bring storms on.  For example, a thief who gets caught will suffer the consequences.  If I bang my head against the wall enough times, I’ll likely do some damage. In these scenarios, cause and effect is alive and applicable.

But I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about the unexpected storms.  The storms that blindside us.  For me, it was a cancer diagnosis.  For you, it’s likely something else.  The question is, why do these storms come?  Is it simply “a part of life”?  Perhaps.  But could there be more of an explanation?

John 16:33 does indicate that as long as we’re on this side of the dirt, we’re going to experience hardships.  The context could have Jesus talking about spiritual persecution, but I think it applies generally as well.  We won’t leave this world unscathed.  Everyone reading this likely has a PhD in life storms — tough circumstances are a part of life.

But what if there was another way to look at the trials?  What if we began to change the question surrounding trials?  That’s the reason for my eBook.

Instead of sitting in a “why me?” mentality that is rooted in “If this, then that”; what if we were to see trials as a part of spiritual discipleship and evangelism?  What if God used the trials in our lives to grow us, and to reach others?

I think that would change the game when it came to suffering in this life.  Storms would still suck, but storms would turn into something useful.

What storms might you be facing?  How do you see God using that to grow you or to reach others?

 

Reflecting vs. Dwelling

A friend asked me recently, “How often do you think about your diagnosis/cancer journey?”

It’s been 3 years, today, since I was diagnosed.  How often do I think about it?  Often.

There two main reasons for that.  The first reason is quite practical. There are scars on my body from two surgeries that weren’t there before.

Practicality doesn’t necessarily mean mundane.  Reflecting on my scars can be an exercise in worship, because it’s a reminder that God brought me through some difficult times.  Elevation Worship wrote a song a few years ago that deeply affected me the first time I heard it.  Here are some of the lyrics:

Thank You for the scars I bear
They declare that You are my healer
How could I have seen your strength
If You never showed me my weakness?

I was able to see God’s strength in that season of my life because I was brought to weakness.  Seeing my scars allows me to remember that.

Beyond practicality, I reflect on that season of my life so that it’s not wasted.  I want that season to be one of many things God uses to shape and mold me into who He created me to be.  That won’t happen unless I reflect on it.

Reflecting and Remembering.

I think they’re essential ingredients to the Christian life.  All throughout the Old Testament we see the practice of remembering.  The Psalmist will remember the good deeds of the Lord and it will give him strength.  The Israelites will fail to remember God’s provision and it causes them gripe, complain and eventually turn away to false gods.

This is one of the reasons I journal.  It’s a built-in way for me to reflect and remember.  I recount the ways God has been faithful to me in the past, and that practice gives me strength to trust Him in the future.

Reflecting is different than dwelling.  Dwelling on something in the past isn’t always a good thing.  Reflecting on it sets the expectation that things will change because of it.

So today, 3 years after my diagnosis day, I reflect…expecting that my life, way of thinking and behavior is different because of what happened that day.

You can read more about my journey here, here…and here.

Why Not Me?

About one week before I was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer, I came across a Matt Chandler video that he recorded for his church when he was first finding out about his Brain Cancer.

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I was inspired by Matt’s resolve to love and serve Jesus in spite of this challenge he was facing, and I was inspired by his ability to see it as just another thing in life to trust God with and use to build his faith.

He talks about Hebrews 11, and how some great men of God shut the mouths of lions and fought injustice and did phenomenal things in their lifetime…but then some great men were killed and tortured for their faith; yet both were counted as ones who had great faith in God.

Then, he said something that would completely change my perspective on trials and challenges for a follower of Jesus:  He felt honored to be considered worthy to endure this trial (brain cancer), and be given a chance not only to praise God in the good times, but to praise God in the tough times.

I remember sitting in my bed, watching that video, thinking to myself, “I hope I would have the same response if something like that happened to me.”

Fast forward to the hospital bed I was in on May 8, right before my emergency surgery.  I truly believe it was Gods grace and strength that allowed me to lift my perspective, but I turned to my family and said, “ya know? Why not me?”  It’s hard to explain, but in that moment, I felt a sense of honor that God would trust me with this trial.  I had that video in mind that I had seen just the week before.

Theologically, I believe God was aware and allowing this to happen in my life.  And since He was allowing it, I had the choice to trust and praise Him through it, just like I’ve trusted and praised Him through all of the good times in my life.

Pause & Sidenote:  I realize this could sound super prideful…it even reads that way as I write it.  But I hope my heart’s intent comes through these words – nothing I did enabled me to have this response.  I believe God allowed me to see the bigger picture.  Did I have my doubts and down-days?  Absolutely.  Not every chemo day was all smiles and Bible verses.  It sucked, and it’s ok to be human, and weak, and honest about those days. 

That Chandler video shifted my perspective on life, how I read the Bible, and how I viewed trails and challenges in this life.  Why not me?  If trials are inevitable (and they are), then may they be yet another way to lift up the name of Jesus.

Also, if trials are inevitable, then why not allow Jesus-followers to experience them?  We can be the people to walk the tough road differently.  We can be the people of peace, grace, and kindness in the midst of a storm.  The world will be able to look upon Christians walking through trials and notice how different our response is to theirs.

I’m not confident I know all the reasons I had to walk through Testicular Cancer.  When I think about my life and where I was at the time, perhaps God wanted to show a youth group of Junior High students in Michigan what it looks like to be a Christian and still walk through really tough times.

If I could be part of God’s illustration in a broader teaching to the watching world…then, why not me?

A Season’s Song

During the first few weeks of me being diagnosed with Testicular Cancer, I was able to get to church a few times. As a Pastor, I’m often “putting on” church for others, so this was a time of refreshment, refocus, and much needed stillness for my mind.

My friend, Kristi, was leading worship this one particular weekend, and I couldn’t have been happier about it.  Her voice is angelic, and her worship-leading style is one that draws lifts high the name of Jesus rather than lifting high her talent.  She was teaching our church a new song…rather, a newer rendition of an old hymn, “It is well.”

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It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me that I love worship music – in fact, it’s mostly all I listen to.  So I already knew the song she was teaching the church.  And I was excited to declare the truth embedded in its melody.

The entire song spoke to me.  Especially in the season I found myself in.  But a few lines in particular really touched my heart.

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

My eyes couldn’t see what my future held.  Would cancer take me out?  Sure, testicular cancer has a high cure rate…but it’s still cancer.  There was still some uncertainty in my mind, no matter the percentage of success the Doctor gave me.

Would I accept all the blessings I had received from the Lord, and not accept this trial?  Far be it from me to not believe in the Lord just because a hardship had entered my life.  The text that Christians read and believe is full of trials and hardship.  The Apostle Paul went as far as to say that it’s when he is weak, that’s when he feels God’s strength in him.

Whether this mountain that was in front of me was going to be thrown into the sea by way of miraculous healing, healing through medical treatment, or ultimate healing in heaven – I didn’t know the answer to that.  I just knew the mountain would ultimately bow to our Almighty God.

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

This line of the song brought to memory the Bible stories of Jesus calming the storms.  There’s the one when Jesus is asleep during the storm and gets awoken by his buddies. He speaks a command and the lake calms down.

Then the other one when he’s walking on top of the water during a storm and calls Peter out to take a walk with him.  Peter does…for a minute.  The waves scare him and so he begins to fear, which leads to sinking.  Jesus catches him, asks him why he doubted, then calms the storm.

This man, Jesus, was in complete control of physical storms on the water.  And I believe He is in complete control of storms in our lives.  The waves and wind still know their Creator.  And they still obey Him.

I had this song on repeat.  It was my mind’s mantra.  And I was encouraged every time I heard it.  This storm I was in surely was a storm – no denying that.  And there were moments I doubted.  But the God I believe in was in control of this storm.  And this song was an especially beautiful reminder during this season.

The Day Everything Changed

I’m not one to overthink things or be dramatic, so the Doctor appointment I had scheduled didn’t seem too important to me.  It was the first time I was seeing a Urologist, and it was at the recommendation of my Primary Care Physician.  Two weeks of antibiotics didn’t work to get rid of the pain I was feeling…so here I was seeing a specialist.

I got settled in and waited for my name to be called.  “Adam Mashni.”  Well, here we go.  The Doctor and I make small talk, and we figure out that some of our relatives are actually married to each other!  Did that make us family?  I wasn’t sure.  Also, I found out he knows my Uncle, who also happens to be a Urologist. It’s fun connecting with people, especially for an extrovert like me.

The small talk was quickly over when he uttered the words, “This doesn’t feel good.”  He told me that he wanted to schedule an ultrasound and get some blood work done as soon as possible.  “Stat” was the word he used, which in everyday English means, HURRY!

After the tests were complete, I decided to head back to work.  I figured it would be a couple of days before anyone got back to me.  I arrive at my car, open the door, but before I could shut the door and start my car, my phone rings.  It was the receptionist. Turns out the Doctor wanted to see me ASAP.  So I walked back inside.

The Doctor invites me into his office.  Not a patient room.  His personal office.  As soon as that happened I knew it wasn’t going to be good news.  I’ve seen movies.  Nothing good is ever discussed in the personal office.  That’s when he told me.

“You’ve got Testicular Cancer.”

He began to explain the kind of Testicular Cancer he was pretty sure I had.  I honestly don’t remember much from that conversation.  Words like “non-seminoma” and others like it.  I had no clue what all of it meant.  He then proceeded to tell me he is recommending I come back that night for emergency surgery.  The mass/tumor needed to be removed immediately.

The next clearing in my foggy thought process occurred when the Doctor offered to call my Uncle.  “Yes!” I thought.  Any sort of familiar was welcomed.  I take out my cell phone to find his number…my cell phone battery was dead.  Ugh…always the worst timing.  The Doctor began rummaging through his papers on his desk, as well as his old text messages.  He had met my Uncle at a Urology Conference just a few months prior. He ends up finding it and dials the number.

So many thoughts in my head at this point.  What if he doesn’t answer?  What would I do?  Who would I need to call next?  My phone is dead!  Where would I get a second opinion?  Do I even need a second opinion?

“Hello?”  He answered.

My Doctor allowed me to talk to him a bit.  He then explained to my Uncle the nitty-gritty medical details.  My Uncle agreed – the tumor needed to come out that night.  It was settled.  I had my second opinion – from my Uncle, who was also a Urologist.  So we scheduled the surgery for 9:00pm on May 8, 2014.

Now all I had to do was call my fiancé, my parents, and anyone else that deserved to know the life-altering news I had just received.  But who to call first?  As best as I can remember, I called my parents first and let them know.  Then I called my friend Bill.  In that conversation I asked him if I should bug Meagan at work and let her know.  Umm. Duh.

Yep, my fiancé was the third phone call.  Sorry babe.

I went back to work, let my co-workers in on what was happening, and began to pack up my stuff.  I was scheduled to speak that night in our college ministry, but that clearly wasn’t happening – so we figured out who was going to cover for me.

After all of the rescheduling and covering of my responsibilities, I finally just sat in my office chair.  I can still think back to that spot.  We had one big office for our student ministry team with a bunch of cubicle desks – so if I spun my chair around, I could see everyone.  And that’s what I did.  It was a moment of stillness amid a day full of chaos.

I told my co-workers and friends that I was doing OK and it was probably nothing. The truth was I had no idea how I was feeling.  I look back now and realize that shock and fight-or-flight instincts took over and I did what I had to do to remain strong.

Fast forward a few hours.  We’re at the Hospital and sitting in the waiting room.  True to form, I’m making light of the situation and cracking jokes.  Meagan, and my Mom, were not amused.  I get called back for surgery prep, and it begins to feel real.  Then, all of a sudden, people begin to show up.

Bill came.  Then Justin.  Then Tim.  Then Jimmy.  Then extended family.  Before and after surgery, I was completely surrounded by my best friends and close family.  It will always be a memory of relationship for me.  I had people in my life that were willing to drop everything and head to the Hospital.

I’ll also remember the “only God” moments.  Oh yes. In the midst of a cancer diagnosis, I saw God’s fingerprints.  The connection to my Urologist.  The fact that he had met my Uncle only a few months prior – and STILL had his cell number readily available.  The fact that the tumor caused pain and I went in for a check.  (I would learn later that tumors normally don’t cause pain…they just grow).

May 8 will always be “cancer diagnosis” day for me…but it will also be so much more.  Friends. Family. Only God moments.  The journey was going to be a tough one, but with those three in my life, I was going to be just fine.